Comedian Oscar Wilde’s Funny Quotes, Funny One-Liners And Jokes Collection:
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.
But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
Who, being loved, is poor?
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde on the subject of women
Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.
No man does. That’s his.
Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
If we men married the woman we deserve, we should have a very tedious time of it.
In married life three is company and two is none.
A man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
A woman will flirt with anyone in the world, so long as other women are looking on.
She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.
A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.
More Oscar Wilde Quotations
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.
The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
I am not young enough to know everything.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
All art is quite useless.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn’t become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.
It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But… it is better to be good than to be ugly.
There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm.
The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.
Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life.
It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
There is no sin except stupidity.
It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned.
A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?
Only the shallow know themselves.
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.
A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
Genius is born – not paid.
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