My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes]
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes]
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
[ Funny Women Quotes] [ Funny PMS Quotes]
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
[ Funny Women Quotes] [ Funny Power Quotes]
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we’ll take up, and the more we’ll have to be reckoned with.
[ Funny Women Quotes] [ Funny Diet Quotes]
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego.
[ Funny Men Quotes]
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
[ Funny Men Quotes] [ Funny Driving Quotes]
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?
[ Funny Children Quotes]
When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I’ve done my job.
[ Funny Children Quotes]
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
[ Funny Television Quotes]
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
[ Funny War Quotes]
It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
[ Funny Fat Quotes]
I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
[ Funny Housekeeping Quotes]
I call myself a ‘domestic goddess.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people…that’s why I don’t like any of them.
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